Four years ago I made a decision to stop drinking. I gave my word, one of the most powerful forces in the world, that I would be better. I've used it to pave the way for my future bliss and happiness; to find out what I truly think and feel.
1,460 days of choosing to not take a drink, to continue on this path of becoming stronger than I could have ever imagined. Overcoming addiction is not a linear path. Some days are a bright blue sky, while others are filled with clouds and darkness. I'm not sure if this is something that ever goes away, and I don't know if it's supposed to.
Today I woke up feeling a bit overwhelmed. I have been through so much and wanted to break more times than I can count. There have been times where I haven't really known why I'm staying sober. Why not drink? Who would know? I could chug a beer real quick, at home, and not tell a soul. I think, 'it will certainly calm me down, but will the guilt overcome the pleasure?' Could I really do that and not tell anymore, and feel comfortable expressing that I've never slipped up in the time of my sobriety? The answer is always no. I have built a community of warriors who count on me. People who look up to me in a way that fulfills any feeling of weakness. This community has kept me honest.
Who's to say that I'll never have a drink again? I don't choose to put that type of pressure on myself. I simply think, 'today I will not drink.' And until that feeling of craving alcohol, and having no guilt or shame at the thought of it goes away, I will continue to live one day at a time.
My personal growth comes with no apology letter attached to it. It comes with no honey coated words and actions; no regret. I am grateful to have experienced life before recovery, because the absence has helped me find more of myself. I am on my own timeline of learning and expansion on this journey. I am continuing to pour back into myself, reclaiming who I am meant to be.
Thank you for being apart of this life with me. You are never alone.